Dietary Monk Gifts

'Is it organic?'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'The Brothers of the Order of Saint Orson, patron saint of fried foods'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

"Namasteak"

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

Obesity Report

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

"Ready to head back?"

'It's good that you're taking vitamins... but you need to stop BUTTERING them.'

'Of course, for me, Christmas has a deeply felt religious significance! The stock exchange is my church...!

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

The Janopause