Dietary Monk Pillows

'Is it organic?'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'The Brothers of the Order of Saint Orson, patron saint of fried foods'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Namasteak"

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

Obesity Report

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

"Ready to head back?"

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"

'Of course, for me, Christmas has a deeply felt religious significance! The stock exchange is my church...!

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

'It's good that you're taking vitamins... but you need to stop BUTTERING them.'

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

"I want a big-a*s salad."

Lent is a real drag this year. - 'Why? What did you give up?' - 'Hope.' - 'I gave up chocolate. Guess what?1' - 'What?' - 'I've made my ideal weight! Yay!'