Diet Disciple Gifts

'I'm on the workaholic's diet. I only eat when I can put it on an expense account.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Any time is cake o'clock

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Chocs away.

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

"And always remember...If you're going to be sick, always do it on the carpet. It's more absorbent."

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

"I'm a monster."

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

'Is it organic?'

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'