Diet Follower Gifts

'Happy Father's Day! We got you a diet book from all of us to all of you.'

'Frozen dinners have more calories if you heat them up.'

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

All Natural Nothing

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

Vegetarian Birds

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

"I'm a monster."

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."