Dietary Advice Guru Gifts

'I haven't read the health columns this morning. Is coffee out or in today?'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

Now that you have a heart, you really should switch to polyunsaturated oil.

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"I think the 'Exotic Recipe' diet will make me lose weight. I'm running all over town trying to find the ingredients!"

"I put an app on your phone that punches you in the face every time you eat junk food. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind."

"No offense, but the manna needs salt."

'Extinct? Good heavens no. I'm vegan for God's sake.'

'You go ahead and eat. I'm on a raw food diet and surfer isn't part of it.'

'Go on - they're organic!'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."

'School of nutrition - as of today: Butter, good...'

"The doctor said I need more calcium, so I'm switching from dark to milk chocolate."

"Well, then - two apples a day."

'I'm NOT trying to break in and change my grades. I'm only trying to change the school lunch menu.'

Overloaded on Junk Food.

Bear eating Nutri-Honey.

'Relax! I just read somewhere that 142 pounds is the new 125!'

"A deep-fried bone is taking it too far!"

"That's why you need to chew your food!" (cow deposited a hay bale).

'An apple a day keeps the doctor away....maybe if I sit here by this fruit basket, everyone will just leave me alone.'

"It's the worse case of flatulence I've ever witnessed!"

'Just a tip, never be the bearer of bad news - people will automatically blame you for it...'

"There's too much fibre in your diet! Your roots are showing!"

Women in grocery store contemplates high and low calories.

'Your bypass operation will be self administered. Pass by every other meal.'

"Eating less and exercising more. . . It's the only thing that works but how can we monetise it?"

'Walter, I warned you about all that angel hair pasta and pie in the sky.'

"I'm afraid that walking to the refrigerator 5 or 6 times a day does not count as exercise."

"I do feel a lot better since we switched to the trans-fat free oil."

What Dads Are Made of,,,

'Four thousand packets of the new anti-obesity drug, please'