Diet Doc Gifts

'Got tired of living large.'

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

Chez Nous Menu

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'Like death by salad.'

"Winter is coming, and there will be months without much sunshine, so it's important that you take your vitamin D supplement Darling..."

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

Critisize your weight.

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

Secretive Weigh In.

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

'All those vegetables Mom's been feeding me finally paid off. I'm a squash.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'The doctor said oily fish was good for his brain development.'

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'We've only got a couple of days to finish this box of cereal. Mom'll never let us eat something called energy-packed after school's out.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.