Diet Club Member Gifts

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

All Natural Nothing

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

Mouse on an Exercise Bike

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

Gastroenterology - Pull Finger For Service.

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

I can't decide what to read, Gourmet or Weight Watchers.