Diet Club Member Gifts

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

Mouse on an Exercise Bike

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."