Detergent Connoisseur Gifts

'World peace? No -- but we've brought you some very advanced dishwashing detergents!'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"Can you make wishes on fake eyelashes?"

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"Whoa. Jeff. Looks like you got that job at the cosmetic testing lab."

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

"Too much concealer?"

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'No Fred, this one is one me!'

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

'Fill her up. No ice - it takes up valuable space!'

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

Next Round Indicator

"A horse by any other mane would small as sweat."

'No, that's not my shaving lotion. We've been burning cow chips in the wood stove.'

'Here's my fail proof way to restore a youthful appearance - a 30 watt bulb.'

Cheese Secret

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

"We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?"

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

"Yes, they come out white than white, but when they went in they were blue."

Pet owner pours out contents of treats for dog that are oddly shaped. Box titled: 'Funny Bones'.

"We've done it! We've done it! We've discovered a detergent that takes the chore out of washing and makes all other detergents seem old-fashioned by comparison!"

'That stuff kills 98% of household germs, but leaves the remaining 2% limping around enough to maintain your resistance.'

'There are two color schemes: dark ones that attract light dirt, and light ones that attract dark dirt.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'The Anal Retentive Astronaut.' 'Just LOOK at all this DUST!'

"...and we plan to offer it as a scarce and valuable product."

"No threat detected. Their vast resources are spent on lasers that combat wrinkles and unwanted hair."

'Look! It's Trendy Vineyards' Merlot Window Cleaner! Streak-free cleaning, because it's 50 proof!'

"Do you prefer lavender scent or strawberry?"

'I asked for a report on the long and short of it, Henderson - This only addresses the breadth and depth.'