Detergent Connoisseur Gifts

'World peace? No -- but we've brought you some very advanced dishwashing detergents!'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"Can you make wishes on fake eyelashes?"

"Whoa. Jeff. Looks like you got that job at the cosmetic testing lab."

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"Too much concealer?"

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'No Fred, this one is one me!'

"A horse by any other mane would small as sweat."

'Fill her up. No ice - it takes up valuable space!'

'No, that's not my shaving lotion. We've been burning cow chips in the wood stove.'

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

Next Round Indicator

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

Cheese Secret

"We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?"

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

'Here's my fail proof way to restore a youthful appearance - a 30 watt bulb.'

Pet owner pours out contents of treats for dog that are oddly shaped. Box titled: 'Funny Bones'.

"Yes, they come out white than white, but when they went in they were blue."

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

'There are two color schemes: dark ones that attract light dirt, and light ones that attract dark dirt.'

'That stuff kills 98% of household germs, but leaves the remaining 2% limping around enough to maintain your resistance.'

"We've done it! We've done it! We've discovered a detergent that takes the chore out of washing and makes all other detergents seem old-fashioned by comparison!"

'Look! It's Trendy Vineyards' Merlot Window Cleaner! Streak-free cleaning, because it's 50 proof!'

"...and we plan to offer it as a scarce and valuable product."

'The Anal Retentive Astronaut.' 'Just LOOK at all this DUST!'

"Do you prefer lavender scent or strawberry?"

"No threat detected. Their vast resources are spent on lasers that combat wrinkles and unwanted hair."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'I asked for a report on the long and short of it, Henderson - This only addresses the breadth and depth.'