Desperation Humorist Gifts

"Dang. If I'd known help was coming I wouldn't have eaten Ted."

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

Worries of the first single cell organism. Should I divide? Maybe I won't like my other self! Maybe it won't like me! Two might be nice company. Three, though, that could be crowded.

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

'He's never going to graduate. How about giving him an honorary degree instead?'

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"Ya know, that cork was there for a reason."

'What do you mean we can't finish on time? Do you want history to say that Rome wasn't built in a day?'

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

"Times are perfect for us masochists!..."

Suez Canal Curse

'I've made a radio using coconuts, salt water, and a trout.'

'I think we're going to have to add another storey downstairs...'

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

'Due to budget cutbacks, we need to get by with less.'

Jeffrey N.: The Guy who managed to get the lead out of his pants, but they were still the wrong pants.

'The Chef's Salad isn't available today. She ate it herself.'

"Hurry up and make a wish. Your cake's in there."

'And the good news is - we're in deep doo-doo.'

'Has the news finished yet?'

"Since I heard there was a monster I can't sleep at night!"

'Excuse me, sir, I know you didn't get your bonus, your house is mortgaged to the hilt, you have two kids in college, your employer is facing bankruptcy and . . .'

Paramedics carrying a man away after his dinner.

"OK, now here comes the lava."

"I'm charging extra to remove the duct tape you thought would work."

Luck

"Has anyone seen my therapist?"

'Personally, I thin the downsizing went too far.'

"Hi, J.B. Guess where I am."

Why hamsters don't sleep at night.

One of Indonesia's most feared Volcanoes: The mighty 'Kraka-toe-a'.

'Since I lost my shirt on the stock market, I now only accept strong currency or gold bullion.'