Desert Survivor Humor Gifts

'Water! Water! Scotch! Water!'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

Just a little seasoning...

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'Eating all of this coconut is making me feel really horny.'

"I bet you thought that because you'd been castaway for forty years, you'd get off with your six month prison sentence."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"Breakfast's ready, darling."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

"This better be high tide."

"Nothing like a snow zombie."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

BARBER

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

'P.S. When finding this message please be sure to dispose of the bottle in a bona fide bottle bank.'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

Desert - Steep Hill sign.

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'Her and her silicone implants!'

'I'll never use that travel agent again!'

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Dying man in desert to friend as vultures approach; 'Amazing! I thought they were more or less extinct!'

Stay in school.