Denominational Detective Gifts

John is asked what church he attends (The First Baptist, of course!)

The Anti-Agent

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'Okay - who leaked?'

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"It seemed like a long timeout."

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

Chaos Theory Lecture - Upstairs and ask again.

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

'Wow! -- Talk about family values!'

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

Good Cop, Bad Clown: 'Ok, ok I'll tell you what you want! Just make that creepy clown stop staring at me!'

"It says God created heaven and earth, then there was light. Why didn't He do it the other way round, when He could see what He was doing?"

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"That's not what I said."

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

"I'm guessing it's too soon in the relationship for me to totally creep you out."

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

'Well? Where is this mystery man we've been hearing so much about?'