Denominational Detective Pillows

John is asked what church he attends (The First Baptist, of course!)

The Anti-Agent

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

"It seemed like a long timeout."

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

'Okay - who leaked?'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

Chaos Theory Lecture - Upstairs and ask again.

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

'Wow! -- Talk about family values!'

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"It says God created heaven and earth, then there was light. Why didn't He do it the other way round, when He could see what He was doing?"

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

Good Cop, Bad Clown: 'Ok, ok I'll tell you what you want! Just make that creepy clown stop staring at me!'

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

Remote-controlled Popemobile.

"That's not what I said."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

"I'm guessing it's too soon in the relationship for me to totally creep you out."

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

Paint. I can't decide between Blood of my Enemies and Candy Apple Red.

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."