Defensive Dieter Gifts

I still think the anti-personnel mines are a bit over the top.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'Like death by salad.'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

Critisize your weight.

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

Secretive Weigh In.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Diet considerations.'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

Attack of the 'health' foods

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Mind, Body, Spirit (and Food Court).

"Frankly, dear, I think you've been on this paleo diet much too long!"

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'Remember, chew every bite 32 times.'

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

"Hmm...any dietary restrictions?"

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"Frankly Mr. Watkins - all your current health issues are down to you rubbish diet..."

'Are they fat free, low carb, high fibre and organic?'

'I wasn't going to eat him, but then he tripped right in front of me.'