Strict Dieter Gifts

A diet high in cholesterol can be dangerous to your health.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'No, that doesn't make any difference either, Miss Jones.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'Of course I followed the diet religiously. I do everything religiously.'

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

Obesity Report

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

"Ready to head back?"

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"