Dealing With Bereavement Gifts

"My grandfather dies from asbestos poisoning - it took 'em 3 weeks to cremate him...."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

Large Emoticon Collider

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"Stop blaming yourself. You loved, and dedicated so much of your time. Have you considered getting another cactus?"

"I know. I miss him, too."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'Grief counselling'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

"After losing my partner, I felt lost until I realized I had not only an empty shell but also a short-term accommodation business."

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

"Sorry, wrong room."

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."

'I don't understand it! On earth he was deathly afraid of flying.'

"You've got to learn to let go."

Viking Funeral

404 British military deaths in Afghanistan.

Arnold Hazlet and beloved wife Tamira (unless she married that guy across the street)

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

The Invention of Country Music.

"He leaves behind a wife, two kids, three grandkids, and a 239-day streak on Duolingo."

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

Hedgehog Mortuary.

"He had a full two weeks."

''On behalf of my colleagues I wanted to let you know that we are all crying inside.''