Deadpan Humor Enthusiast Gifts

"You're not funny."

Buster Keaton

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

Crime in bookshop

Men Working Things Out

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

"Wow! Check out the moon."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

'It takes all day to eat it.'

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

Cat reading Rommel biography.

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

Expensive health care

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

'Ever since we converted the church into a jail, everyone is finding Jesus.'

'Young lady, stop talking to your dad in such a disrespectful way! After all he's a man with degrees and can fill in his unemployment benefit application in five different languages!'

A panhandler with a sign that reads "From each according to his ability…. To each according to his need."

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."

Universidad

"Well, instead of discussing the book we could discuss why none of us had time to read it."

"Out of my way! I'm late for that lecture on 'The Importance of Relaxation'!!!"

"All I'm getting is the effects of global warming on the ice cap..."

Workaholics Anonymous Meeting.