Daytime Television Gifts

"Sits there watching quiz shows all day long and still he knows nothing."

'Time for my favorite soap opera, Nine Lives to Live.'

"Do you suppose I could enjoy 'Dynasty' without listening to an hour of suspender-snapping?"

"Henry is addicted to all of the Court programs."

"He loves watching daytime shows where people throw a lot of hissy fits."

"Oh, Lord, now she's got the dog watching The Hallmark Channel."

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

Dr. Phil takes it home.

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

Sunrise and Sunset

"I'm more of a day owl."

'He's really putting that media studies degree to good use.'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

Congressionally Mandated Themes For The Daytime Talk Shows

'Ready, steady, Operate'

Maps to talk-show guests' homes.

Outside the Soap Opera Screen Actors Guild.

"Come on, Baldo...get up. It's twenty to eleven."

"We begin the day hammering. Then there's 'Regis and Kathie Lee.' Then we do some more hammering, followed by lunch and 'Days of Our Lives,' more hammering, 'Oprah,' and, finally, home."

'The evening news was bad enough, but now he's dozing off during the 'Today Show.''

Employee Survival School

'They leave the TV on for me during the day when they go to work: Boy daytime TV is boring!'

'Bailiff, there's a fight in the jury room. Someone turned off Dr. Phil.'

'Why do they call them 'soaps'? All they do is dig up dirt.'

Robert Kilroy Silk - Out.

David Dickinson

'Have you noticed? She always calls a recess at the exact time 'Oprah' comes on tv.'

Speakers who watch too much Oprah

'So you're not wanting a DNA test or a lie detector test??!!...What are you, some kind of freak or something!?..'

'So! You're still watching those talk shows after I told you to stop!'

Today on Oprah: Couples who are Not Having Extra-Marital Affairs

'Neighbours is on, love.'

Items From the Jay Leno Fan Club

Antiques Road Rage