Dating Scene Commentator Gifts

'I'm looking for a new wife - or one in mint condition.'

"Ruby, get your tail - feathers in here. . . some loser has sent us his plume pics!"

"She's just being Koi."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Updated fairy tales - "Cinderella." Dating Service. It's not often we get a client looking for a specific shoe size.

'He had bulging muscles and a wallet to match!'

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'

Alligator Bars

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

"I don't see what you see in him."

'Here's a list of women I want you to stay away from at the party tonight.'

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

"Now who's being judgy?"

"So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?"

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

'I'm no good at sports, so I'll just have to settle for a trophy wife.'

'You were wrong, Bob, that wasn't her come-hither look!'

He's Tasty!

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

"It's over between us Brian. . . as soon as I've announced it on twitter."

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

Bread Winner-Need More Dough

"I don't want to get too serious."

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"

Dorothy and the singles bar

'I prefer to hire married men to bachelors. Married men don't get upset when I shout at them.'

'Isn't she a bit young for you?'