Dating Profile Critic Pillows

"Gee, you didn't mention your wart in your personal."

"He looked a lot bigger online."

"That's an unusual, orange jumpsuit!"

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

You looked different during our video chat.

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

"Hmm....who's this tall drink of water?"

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

"Honestly, Gwen! Sometimes they act as if we were pieces of meat!"

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

"Stupid superstitious waste of money - what'd you wish for, a new vacuum?"

"Your Facebook page said nothing about you being a dung beetle!"

"His online profile said he was a "silverback", but in fact, he was just old..."

'Your profile said you were tall, dark, and mysterious.'

"Oh, great... they say they all have headaches."

Any suggestions for my online profile? Don't describe your speed dating experience as "hanging out with fast women."

"Alexa, you're not quite what I was expecting!"

I am sorry you can't have Sonia,she is for display only.'

'I'm leaving you, Harold. You're boring, predictable, and your texting borders on pathetic.'

Sterns Father. 'What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?' Daughter. 'She says men haven't altered a bit pa.'

Sue meets another Winner

"Oh, it's feeding time in Egoville?"

'Your dating profile was right. You really do know how to show a girl a good time.'

What's the best way to break up with someone without hurting their feelings? Why would you want to do that? The whole point of breaking up with someone is to punish them for their shenanigans, their shortcomings, and their carnal incompetence! Why deny yourself satisfaction?! Every time you bring a tear to the eye of a loser, an angel get her wings.

"Nah, I just don't fancy it anymore."

Coffee. I'm just a boring insomniac. What should I put in my online dating profile? Say you're "up for anything"!

'This could be another chapter for my book on easy pickups.'

"Please may I see you again - I find your opinions so easy to trash."

'I can't believe you actually JOINED the 'Psycho Girlfriend of the Month' Club!'

'...Anyway, enough about me. Tell me a little bit about yourself.'

'Pack a few things, Doreen. I've discovered this amazing new exchange scheme.'

Ernie, your online dating profile says you're tall, athletic and wealthy. this is the biggest joke I've ever seen! Good point, Frank. I need to add something about my great sense of humor!