Dating Profile Detective Pillows

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"The women on these dating sites don't seem to believe I'm a prince."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"Hola! Tia Carmen's psychic hotline! Can I tell you where your lousy cheating boyfriend is right now?"

"Hmm....who's this tall drink of water?"

Gloria knows where you've been tonight, Lance. Apparently, that sandwich she made you for lunch contained salami, cheese, lettuce, tomato and a GPS tracker. !! !!

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

"I'm guessing it's too soon in the relationship for me to totally creep you out."

'We had the perfect marriage until we took the magazine quiz.'

"So - we meet at last."

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'Well? Where is this mystery man we've been hearing so much about?'

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

As Tina looked more closely at her online date, she began to doubt his claim that his photo was recent.

'What makes you think she's been laying around?'