Dating Site Detective Pillows

"Your nose was so much smaller in your Tinder photo."

"You look a lot different than your dating site photo."

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"To be honest, I'm a little surprised the dating service matched us up."

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

"Hola! Tia Carmen's psychic hotline! Can I tell you where your lousy cheating boyfriend is right now?"

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

Gloria knows where you've been tonight, Lance. Apparently, that sandwich she made you for lunch contained salami, cheese, lettuce, tomato and a GPS tracker. !! !!

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"If they say 'Rubensesque' in their profile, they mean they're a Botero."

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

'We had the perfect marriage until we took the magazine quiz.'

"I'm guessing it's too soon in the relationship for me to totally creep you out."

"So - we meet at last."

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

Second dates are trickier. They ask the same questions as on the first date, looking for inconsistencies.

'Well? Where is this mystery man we've been hearing so much about?'