Dating App Detective Pillows

"My date? Let's just say he isn't lying on his online profile when he says he is a bald eagle, but that is not his species..."

"I don't understand it! My nerd detector's going crazy!"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"I guess I misunderstood when I read you were into 'Bodybuilding'."

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

"Don't blame me! Your profile said nothing about a seafood allergy."

"Your profile didn't mention you being a chewer."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

'Sorry, this isn't that kind of agency. We determine the age of old fossils, not arrange dates for them.'

Cat Love Ads: "Are you; 'Stubborn, lazy, unfaithful and psychopathic...with no sense of humour?""

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"Wow! That guy is REALLY good at 'Speed Dating!'"

"Wanna get pigeon holed?"

"I know that on-line dating service claims a 90% success rate, but let's face it, Henry, we're in that other ten percent!"

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."