Dating Jokes Pillows

"So Dave - did you get lucky? Dave....? Dave...?"

You were warned about mixed marriages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'He's wearing a toupee.'

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

"You need a mint."

Daughter/psychiatrist

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

"I came here because my podiatrist said he couldn't help me with my cold fee."

'We don't bond any more.'

"Is the light bothering you?"

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

'Wait...if you leave me, can I come too?'

"Not tonight, Hon—I'm trying to cut down."

'On TV they play dramatic music as the contestants enter the ring'

"Henpecked?! Don't get me started about being hen-pecked buddy!"

I get the impression you find our sex life boring.

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'What - you don't want to marry me after you became rich and famous? Oh, great! Now I've got to think about a new pension plan!'