Dating Jokes Pillows

"So Dave - did you get lucky? Dave....? Dave...?"

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

You were warned about mixed marriages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'He's wearing a toupee.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, when you said benign growth, I thought you were referring to my husband."

Ereptile Dysfunction

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

"You need a mint."

Daughter/psychiatrist

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

"I came here because my podiatrist said he couldn't help me with my cold fee."

'We don't bond any more.'

"Is the light bothering you?"

"Not tonight, Hon—I'm trying to cut down."

'Wait...if you leave me, can I come too?'

'On TV they play dramatic music as the contestants enter the ring'

"Sorry, I'm looking for a more permanent relationship."

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

"Henpecked?! Don't get me started about being hen-pecked buddy!"

I get the impression you find our sex life boring.

'What - you don't want to marry me after you became rich and famous? Oh, great! Now I've got to think about a new pension plan!'