Dating Etiquette Aficionado Gifts

After #metoo

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Call me?"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Drive in movies.

"I'll be honest with you, I've been around the block a few times."

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

I'm your girlfriend and best friend so I get twice as many slices

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

Today, proud and accomplished the career woman re-enters the dating world, ready at last to meet the man of her dreams. . .

"Sorry I'm late: my parents insisted I wear protection on our first date, so I stopped to buy a flea-collar..."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

'D'you have any salt?'

"All rise."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."