Dating Dilemmas Gifts

I always strike out on blind dates

"Dating is hard when you feel like people only like you for your legs."

'Bring my daughter back at 11 sharp or...'

"I swear, the only decent men around here are either married...or gay...or they're one of my ex-husbands!"

Weddings...

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

'Honestly, Barry, I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime...'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

'That's it? I pour my heart out and all you can say is 'aargh'?'

Life is for the birds.

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

'On second thought, dear, could you toss me the car keys?'

'Some have a love life - I have a 'can't-stand-for-the-man-to-be-right' life.'

'Is this the Lonely Hearts Club?'

'My Mother makes me wear this - It's my name and address in case I get lost.'

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."

"Why do you always fall for these totally unobtainable types?"

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but actually 47% of 235 people covering 34%..."

'Hand me your issue of esquire. I have a hot date.'

"I want to break up, but he's got an espresso machine."

"Should we raise him to succeed by nurturing him, or neglect him so severely that he finds success as a megalomaniacal sociopath?"

'I'd offer you a ride home, but my car's only a one-seater.'

"No, I can't come out tonight, Darren. I'm washing my hair."

"My dog didn't eat my homework. My husband did."

'On second thought, let's just be friends.'

"I like that you refuse to be defined by your generation."

Twenty thousand leagues out of his league

'I haven't seen him in six months -- I like that in a man.'

Randy's dating secrets #289: When your date says 'What're you thinking about,' you must be able to answer.

"Take you for granted? Jerome, I’ve always thought of you as my No. 1 backup date."

"Great legs, good cook, and not half bad in the sack, but hopelessly tied to his mother's apron strings."

Dating: 'A nose that lights up doesn't do it for me.'

'When he said he collected models, I thought he meant little plastic planes ...'

I've been on cheap dates before, but riding elevators and listening to the Muzak..