Dating Dilemmas Gifts

I always strike out on blind dates

"Dating is hard when you feel like people only like you for your legs."

'Bring my daughter back at 11 sharp or...'

"I swear, the only decent men around here are either married...or gay...or they're one of my ex-husbands!"

Weddings...

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

'Honestly, Barry, I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime...'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

'That's it? I pour my heart out and all you can say is 'aargh'?'

Life is for the birds.

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

"Try a danged head shot!"

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'On second thought, dear, could you toss me the car keys?'

'Is this the Lonely Hearts Club?'

'Some have a love life - I have a 'can't-stand-for-the-man-to-be-right' life.'

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."

'My Mother makes me wear this - It's my name and address in case I get lost.'

"Why do you always fall for these totally unobtainable types?"

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but actually 47% of 235 people covering 34%..."

"I want to break up, but he's got an espresso machine."

"Should we raise him to succeed by nurturing him, or neglect him so severely that he finds success as a megalomaniacal sociopath?"

'Hand me your issue of esquire. I have a hot date.'

'I'd offer you a ride home, but my car's only a one-seater.'

"No, I can't come out tonight, Darren. I'm washing my hair."

'On second thought, let's just be friends.'

But I told you I just wanted to be friends. Sue. Ed.

Twenty thousand leagues out of his league

"I like that you refuse to be defined by your generation."

"My dog didn't eat my homework. My husband did."

Randy's dating secrets #289: When your date says 'What're you thinking about,' you must be able to answer.

'I haven't seen him in six months -- I like that in a man.'

"Great legs, good cook, and not half bad in the sack, but hopelessly tied to his mother's apron strings."

'When he said he collected models, I thought he meant little plastic planes ...'