Data Warehouse Specialist Gifts

'This is our Lookup Table.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Welcome to the future"

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'You know too much,'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

'...and in 1/100000 of a second, it can compound the programmer's error 87,500 times.'

'Please put that confusing mess of documents, files and folders where it belongs...in your computer.'

'You'll soon get the hang of it - then they'll change it.'

Artifishial Intelligence

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

'It's only fair to warn you that if you get the job there would be a lot of filing involved.'

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

"What did you download at school today?"

"He's the best our AI recruitment algorithm could fund, unfortunately our AI is really stupid."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

Big Data Tonight

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

Optical Illusion Supply Company.

Trays on desk read: In/Out/Lose in the Shuffle.

Why do you need so many computers?

Never tell the boss "You can count on me" during inventory.

Catalogue of little books.

As he tore open his gifts, Dell kept hoping that the weather balloon kit he craved was somewhere among them.