Big Data Specialist Gifts

This is Mr Smith from Big Data Mining. He says he's found an insight.

'Our cloud team was working on a big-data project and got stuck in a patch of fog.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Welcome to the future"

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'...and in 1/100000 of a second, it can compound the programmer's error 87,500 times.'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

Artifishial Intelligence

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

"What did you download at school today?"

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

"He's the best our AI recruitment algorithm could fund, unfortunately our AI is really stupid."

"Note the spike here, when the state legalized marijuana."

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Big Data Tonight

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

As he tore open his gifts, Dell kept hoping that the weather balloon kit he craved was somewhere among them.

"Daddy is off to work in a data mine."

Us. Everyone else. My research shows that we are the only statistics company sill using pie charts displayed on an easel.

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Trust me, I'm a robot."

"Siri meets Alexa" "What can I help you with?" "I'm sorry, I can't answer that."