Data Scientist Gifts

Information vs. confusion

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'I've analyzed, condensed and simplified the data...it was a good quarter.'

'The boss wants me to create a computer algorithm that can convert hindsight into foresight.'

'But then again...we could be wrong.'

'We have some facts about you that you don't remember, some that you thought were really secret, and some that never even happened.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'This problem has been my life's work. I planned to devote my remainig years to it. It's just been solved in four seconds.'

"The new system is 100% accurate as long as the client is called Colin and lives in Swindon."

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

This is Mr Smith from Big Data Mining. He says he's found an insight.

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

'He expects so much from me but his data is flawed.'

"The new guy says he's a data wrangler."

"That's some big data!"

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

'...so went to school to become a data scientist and was replaced by an algorithm."

"I'm undecided, but that doesn't mean I'm apathetic or uninformed."

"...and this one deals with the accuracy of the others."

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

'What I appreciate even more than its remarkable speed and accuracy are the words of understanding and compassion I get from it.'

'Remind me to never again ask him what he learned in school.'

'You see a bunny, I see an off-site system maintained by a 3rd party providing storage, processing power and computer applications.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

"Well on the upside, we get a highly personalized experience."

The NSA organizes its new sprawling data farm based on the different types of web traffic...

"We tried crowdsourcing the data, but the crowd turned into an angry mob and threw bogus data at us."

"Oh no, we're not looking for humans to study artificial intelligence - we're machines who want to study humans. Interested?"

'If to err is human, how do you explain this mess?'

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

'Right here is where your imaging data is clogging up all of your bandwidth.'

"It says we're worrying too much."

Old MacDonald had a data farm. AI AI O.

'I went through the data and found an 11.7% increase in the discretionary spending portion of our family budget, so I see no reason not to raise my allowance.'