Data Nerd Gifts

'This is our Fact Table.'

'Look at these accident statistics. What can't the government do something about it?'

"Let's not politicize how screwed we are."

"Bread crumb donations are indeed down."

Big Data

"Sorry darling, you can't go for a kill tonight. It's census night, it would mess up the data!"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Welcome to the future"

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"Do you promise to love, honour and contribute to the gross national product?"

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

'...and in 1/100000 of a second, it can compound the programmer's error 87,500 times.'

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

'We're living in a round hole economy.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

Artifishial Intelligence

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'

"What did you download at school today?"

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'