Data Scientist Pillows

Information vs. confusion

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'I've analyzed, condensed and simplified the data...it was a good quarter.'

'The boss wants me to create a computer algorithm that can convert hindsight into foresight.'

'But then again...we could be wrong.'

'We have some facts about you that you don't remember, some that you thought were really secret, and some that never even happened.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'This problem has been my life's work. I planned to devote my remainig years to it. It's just been solved in four seconds.'

"The new system is 100% accurate as long as the client is called Colin and lives in Swindon."

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

'He expects so much from me but his data is flawed.'

This is Mr Smith from Big Data Mining. He says he's found an insight.

"The new guy says he's a data wrangler."

'Okay, here's an abandoned storage locker with some random data that may or may not be useful. We'll start the bidding at $50...'

"That's some big data!"

'Now that everyone's street is online, we're mapping interiors.'

'...so went to school to become a data scientist and was replaced by an algorithm."

"...and this one deals with the accuracy of the others."

"I'm undecided, but that doesn't mean I'm apathetic or uninformed."

'You see a bunny, I see an off-site system maintained by a 3rd party providing storage, processing power and computer applications.'

'What I appreciate even more than its remarkable speed and accuracy are the words of understanding and compassion I get from it.'

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Remind me to never again ask him what he learned in school.'

'If to err is human, how do you explain this mess?'

"Oh no, we're not looking for humans to study artificial intelligence - we're machines who want to study humans. Interested?"

"Well on the upside, we get a highly personalized experience."

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

The NSA organizes its new sprawling data farm based on the different types of web traffic...

"We tried crowdsourcing the data, but the crowd turned into an angry mob and threw bogus data at us."

'Right here is where your imaging data is clogging up all of your bandwidth.'

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

'After analyzing 5 petabytes of Facebook data and 800 million tweets we were able to conclude that our customers are idiots.'