Data Doctor Gifts

'Sometimes, when I'm feeling unappreciated, I'll fake a system-wide data crash.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

British savings accounts

"Welcome to the future"

"My email is down... talk to me."

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

The Anti-Agent

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'Human Error .. Yet Again.'

Fear/Knowledge

'3 Second Loading Zone.'

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"One more time, Mr Claus - who sold you the data?"

'...and in 1/100000 of a second, it can compound the programmer's error 87,500 times.'

'Anything you can compute I can compute better. I can compute anything better than you.'

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

Time for More Paperwork

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."