Data Detective Gifts

'Well, this looks like the spot where your bandwidth is getting all clogged up.'

Had volumes of data at my fingertips and still didn't see this one coming.

Department of Pure Speculation.

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

SURVEYS-R-US: "87% of the 56% who completed more than 23% of the survey thought it was a waste of time."

"Yeah, everyone agrees on the numbers, but nobody knows what they mean."

"There's a lot of uncertainty out there these days. Or not. Who knows?"

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

'We have some facts about you that you don't remember, some that you thought were really secret, and some that never even happened.'

"I already wrote the paper. That's why it's so hard to get the results."

"Joan, I need you to prepare an objective analysis proving I'm correct."

"What a week!"

Research Institute - "...How the hell should I know!"

"So it's agreed - we go ahead with the information-matching."

"I've learnt not to worry."

Data security officers run frantically out of reactive data security room, while another data officer relaxes in the predictive data security room.

Databank - 'If you did it, we know about it.'

'Well, no, I don't see any patterns in this data, but I did see Elvis in my oatmeal this morning!'

'As you can see here, there were a few downticks, followed by a few upticks, finishing off with some antics.'

"You can't keep running in here demanding date every five years!"

'We'll be relying on three sources of raw data ? direct mail, phone survey, and Eddie in the mail room.'

"I totally meant to do that."

This is Mr Smith from Big Data Mining. He says he's found an insight.

'He expects so much from me but his data is flawed.'

"I carefully examine the data for March madness brackets and every year I lose to Anita, who picks by uniform colors."

"Thanks for considering me for the job as head of cybersecurity, but I already hacked into your network and gave myself the job."

"The new guy says he's a data wrangler."

"What do we do with all this data we collect on you? Sorry, that's privileged information."

Remember, statistics are in the eye of the manipulator.

"Maybe we're taking the wrong approach to traffic data gathering..."

'It seems to be full of data.'

"While I appreciate your offer to whack our bad data, I think a good scrub will be sufficient."

New research on streetcrime

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'