Big Data Gifts

"We tried crowdsourcing the data, but the crowd turned into an angry mob and threw bogus data at us."

'Crusher' Collins: Data custodian by day, data bouncer by night.

"Finally, a co-worker who CAN handle Big data!"

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

Twitter censorship

'Everything is in the Cloud.'

"We're looking for an accountant who can use ChatGPT creatively."

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

Information about information about information about information.

'He's working on the great American requirements document.'

'As I see it, it's a toss-up between a Belgian data processing machine and an American electronic computer.'

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

Businessman dreaming of pie charts when he sees a pizza.

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

'What I appreciate even more than its remarkable speed and accuracy are the words of understanding and compassion I get from it.'

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

'Things just haven't been the same around here since people starting saving files in the cloud.'

'This must be the effect of the climate change! Even the data cloud has started to rain!'

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"If I had it all to do over again, I would have liked to be the King of Swing."

"I'm just sitting here collecting vast amounts of metadata. And what are you up to?...Oh, I already know."

'Rap sheets! All the latest criminal stats! Get your rap sheets here!'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

'There's more information available now than ever before. I can only block out so much of it.'

"That's a zombie, alright. But he's the worst kind. He doesn't eat brains, he eats data."

Data security officers run frantically out of reactive data security room, while another data officer relaxes in the predictive data security room.

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

C.E.O.s deserve respect.

'This problem has been my life's work. I planned to devote my remainig years to it. It's just been solved in four seconds.'

This is Mr Smith from Big Data Mining. He says he's found an insight.

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