Data Processing Gifts

'This problem has been my life's work. I planned to devote my remainig years to it. It's just been solved in four seconds.'

'Sometimes I just feel like processing some data, but I have no data to process - other times I have the data, but I have nothing to process it with.'

'What I appreciate even more than its remarkable speed and accuracy are the words of understanding and compassion I get from it.'

"He's charged with expressing contempt for data-processing."

'As I see it, it's a toss-up between a Belgian data processing machine and an American electronic computer.'

'For openers, your credit is lousy.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

Fear/Knowledge

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"Thank you for that summation of the charts."

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

'We're living in a round hole economy.'

"Peterson proposes we move out of the mountains."

"Right, before we look at the covid figures for today, do we need another sheet of paper?"

"My favorite way to start the day...coffee, danish, and a data dump."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'Maybe the reason we don't have those 'off the chart' sales anymore is because our charts are too big.'