Dark Humored Philosopher Pillows

Oy Vey...

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

Zenemies.

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Tim Burton

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Vampire coming out of a body piercing shop with a stake in his heart

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"Death coach..."

"Don't be a sentimental fool, Harker!"

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

Chuck didn't care what his therapist said; that is not where he left his dummy.

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"What if it's smarter than us?"

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

Human meat.

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."

"What's it all about?"

Sunday School. Strange --- Apples were forbidden, but apparently fried foods were okay.

Coming Soon: Haunted Homes on 60-foot lots.

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

And where do you think you may have come in contact with AIDS tainted blood?

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"Now that you've been given the vaccine, let us know if you start craving raw meat."

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

Cloud Cuckoo Land, "Martha, I've just discovered where Uncle George has gotten to"