Dark Humored Soul Pillows

"This is not about Schmidt – it's about you."

Black humour

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'... And this is my cellar.'

Dead Funny

Out To Lurch

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"The Eggsorcist"

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

The practical psychopath

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

"Where is everyone?" "You had 'everyone' killed." "Stalin family reunion"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Housekeeping?!"

"How about if we just winter in hell?"