Dark Humor Lovers Gifts

"Yes, the planet got destroyed. But for a beautiful moment in time we created a lot of value for shareholders."

"It feels like people are always trying to avoid me."

Desert crawler killed by water truck.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

"Hi, I'm Hugo -- I'll be your compliance officer."

'We can manage this is we work 24/7 and no one takes a holiday.'

Exit sky-diving team - Senior citizens jumping out of plane with no parachutes.

"Do we have a place for your portfolio's ashes?"

'Do you have it in black?'

Doctors Without Boundaries

'I'd better warn you - I've got high cholesterol!'

"Will that be all, sir?"

Surgical Keepsakes of the Anderson Family: Family have kept their milk teeth, kidneys stones, etc, in display jars. The family dog has his testicles in a jar.

Unbeknownst to many, the Frankenstein legend was in fact based on Albert Grimes, the mad tree surgeon.

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'Just out of curiosity, do you have a best case scenario?'

Life Sucks.

'Yeah, yeah, the floral pattern is fine. Weez just lookin' for somethin' a little wider, maybe eight, nine feet.'

'This taste funny to you?'

Took a Viagra Placebo and Tried Sex

"Why would I do that? We don't talk now."

'I'm sorry, but the comfort of our coffins has never been an issue before!'

Grim Reaper family - 'Look dear, his first death rattle.'

"And, these we reserve for 'frenemies'."

'Two burgers, a shake and a cola. Take your time. This one's not gonna make it.'

'Then someone hit on the idea of selling our torture devices to fitness centers.'

"I want you to keep an eye on Muckenspucker. That's the third time this week he's out of matches."

Small talk: 'Wow that's really interesting. I've never actually been to Los Angeles, but I do have some friends there. Do you know Lisa Schwartz?'

Doc told me I have brain damage. As my manager responsible for this, it's time for me to damage yours!

"How come we don't start plagues any more? Are we one of those boring couples?"

Cat counts nine grim reapers.

Quasimodo Zit.

'Yes, Jeff. I'm sure I will see you again. Probably on the FBI's 'most wanted' list!'

'Spring's early again this year dear.'

'Cause of death: Acute, sudden dehydration secondary to moisture-wicking undergarments.'