Dark Humor Lover Gifts

Death on the Weekend

"After we have sex but before I kill you, I'm going to need your help with some shelves."

Iced drink antidote

"I love shark week."

Board Reads: I Am An Insane Eye Doctor And I Am Going To...

'If you're happy and you know it clap your hands?'

'What did you think we meant by 'organ donor program?''

'Some people find the MRI chamber claustrophobic.' - 'Oh.' - 'I call those people 'the lucky few'.' - 'Ah.' - 'Whatever you do don't think about being buried alive.' - 'Gah.' -

"How much for just the ring?"

'To demonstrate that it's nothing personal I brought you some pills for the headache.'

"They don't call me the man who likes to hit people with a piece of wood for no reason."

"The guillotine is in the shop, so I'm going to have to give you a nasty paper cut instead."

"I've decided to return to my first passion in life—selling drugs to kids."

"It's not all bad. We still have enough cash for bribing the prison guards."

'Cutting fourth-quarter operating costs by eating venison was brilliant. Of course, now we've got a bigger problem.'

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"Are we there yet?"

"Very scary, Jennifer—does anyone else have an H.M.O. horror story?"

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"We managed to resuscitate him, but he's still very critical."

'I keep having this nightmare that we don't spend the money in time and the kids inherit it all.'

'Why don't we call ourselves chiropractors and charge people for our services?'

'Mind if I go in first?'

"Hop? Jig? Dance? You're a dancer? Sounds like? Prancer? Cancer? Cancer! I got cancer!"

Surprise Party

'I'm not sure they appreciate your witty visual take on the consequences of 'change'.'

The Inevitable Navigation System: 'You have arrived at your destination.'

'My doctor's put me on a strict diet. From now on I have to ask my victims how high their cholesterol is.'

'Chemist, Pain Relief, Colt 45'

"His Highness is changing his relationship status."

'Shall we start with some stretching exercises?'

"Don't worry. Insurance should cover it."

Mind your head...

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

The world coming to an end