Dark Humor Detective Gifts

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'... And this is my cellar.'

Dead Funny

Out To Lurch

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Another day at work would be one too many...

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Murder in Apartment 6-K

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

The practical psychopath

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

End the Winter Blues

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."