Dark Humor Detective Pillows

He was such a do-it-yourself kind of guy. RIP. Nails.

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'... And this is my cellar.'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

Out To Lurch

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

Dead Funny

Another day at work would be one too many...

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Where is everyone?" "You had 'everyone' killed." "Stalin family reunion"

"Housekeeping?!"

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"How about if we just winter in hell?"