Dairy Free Diner Gifts

"Mouse? No. They contain cheese and I'm lactose intolerant."

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'Snap, crackle, help! I'm lactose intolerant!'

"All our vegetables are organic, ethically sourced and stunned before being boiled."

The Nihilist Deli.

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

"Just the steak for me and my friend will have the carbon dioxide and the water with the sunlight."

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"Strictly organic ingredients section or Russian roulette with genetically modified foods section?"

Woman in Restaurant has Menu and Calorie Counter.

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"I eat the genetically modified flounder all the time and it's delicious."

Have you heard of a celebrity roast, Lance? The closest I ever came to a celebrity roast was the time I had a roast beef in a deli and Henny Youngman walked in.

'Are you sure this salmon was farm-raised?'

"I'm sorry it's not what you ordered, but the chef works in mysterious ways."

"We use only free-range chicken and suicidal veal."

'They use paper plates.'

'If you'd like to, you can discuss the question of eating genetically-modified food with our staff ethicist.'

"My lab tests are in. I'm lactose intolerant."

"Waiter, there's a greenfly in my soup!"

Mouse, caught in trap after attempting to get cheese, says: 'That's it ??" I'm quitting dairy.'

"Two steaks, cruelly raised and brutally slaughtered. Enjoy!"

Vegan Menu

"All the entrées are vegan, but they taste as good as endangered species."

'My secret for long life? I've always drunk, smoked, made out with women...and hated yogurt.'

'Do eat it quickly, sir -- it's organically grown, you know.'

'Excuse me, is this cutlery carbon neutral?'

"Hmmmmm -- Choices, choices..."

'Do you have another menu of what I can have?'

'Well, that was sustainable dining...until we got the bill.'