Dairy Detective Gifts

'Mr Kilgore, I have reason to believe your lactose intolerance is psychological.'

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

"Where do we put Desserts?"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

Honest Vending

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'

"Okay, lets see what we have here."

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

'Another sad case of an over dose on uncut sugar cereal.'

Clandestine cows.

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

Turkey Autopsy

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

"Sherlock Combs there said he believes it's an inside job."

'Here ya' go, sweetie. Our Key Lime Pie.'

'The diet books really worked for me...I bought so many I couldn't afford any food.'

'It says, 'If you want more fiber, eat the package.'

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

The History of Anti-stick

"What do you have that justifies its calories?"

'You hate to see this kind of thing.'