Dairy Detective Pillows

'Mr Kilgore, I have reason to believe your lactose intolerance is psychological.'

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

"Where do we put Desserts?"

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

Honest Vending

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"Number 2. Step forward please."

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'

"Okay, lets see what we have here."

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

Clandestine cows.

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'Another sad case of an over dose on uncut sugar cereal.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

Turkey Autopsy

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

'The diet books really worked for me...I bought so many I couldn't afford any food.'

"Sherlock Combs there said he believes it's an inside job."

'Here ya' go, sweetie. Our Key Lime Pie.'

'It says, 'If you want more fiber, eat the package.'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

'You hate to see this kind of thing.'

'I'm sorry, I can't reveal my sauce.'

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

The History of Anti-stick