Cynophobics Pillows

"He will only bite if he thinks you are afraid!"

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

A spider is afraid of another spider's mask.

Dead Funny

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

The Forever Stamp

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Famous Oxymorons...

Someday

"'City Slickers' was O.K., but, let's face it, it was no 'Claire's Knee.'"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"You've got to help her ... she has developed a fear of flying."

Monster Realtor

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Dentist Trip

Gullibility Test $1.00.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Sad really. He's scared of heights."

'Hello, security.'

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

Superhero with Acrophobia

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

I, Scream.

'One nice thing about this, it has overcome my fear of height.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

A man jumps out of a window to avoid an injection.