Cynophobia Conqueror Pillows

'Don't worry, he's very friendly.'

Yeah, it's funny, but you'll see, in this house, it's the guy who screams the loudest...

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

The Forever Stamp

Famous Oxymorons...

Unwelcome guests can be caught and thrown out...there is no need to kill them.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Dr. Wit specializes in treating patients with a fear of low places.'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

'Hello, security.'

"I know there's safety in numbers, but I suffer from enochlophobia: Can you help me?"

Bush vs. America

'I knew I should have bought more insurance.'

'You get to see the countryside, meet interesting characters and relax traveling this way. Besides, I'm scared of flying.'

'One nice thing about this, it has overcome my fear of height.'

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Rubbing alcoholics anonymous.

'Your, 'Never can come out in public' session is over. After I leave the room, you come out and slink away!'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'I've got it in pill form, but for really fast relief from panic attacks...'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

'Repeat after me Mr. Chetney... 'Clowns will not hurt me. Clowns are my friends. They are not out to get me...'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'