Cynical Jokers Gifts

The Devil's Workshop

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Artist Painting his Television.

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

'Socrates, you've been drinking again.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

Oink.

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"So...are you still saving up to buy a 1964 Chevy Impala now that Joey has one?"

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

'Some words of wisdom son, crime does't pay. However...business crime does!'

'Scram! -- I don't endorse candidates!'

"You are gullible and naive. You believe untrained charlatans. You squander your money."

What is this place? It's a new lab. I'm testing out business ideas. I'm figuring out new ways to make an extra buck, exploit consumers and drive out the competition. I'm working with fake sales, marketing gimmicks, come-ons, and let-downs. I feel like toweling off. Brilliant, we'll charge extra for napkins.