Cynical Accountant Gifts

F.B.I. Financial Fraud Investigation Unit. The accountant passed his lie detector test. Where should I file the result? In "accounts believable."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"Nihilistic customer service"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

Targets

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Will Self deprecation

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."