Cynical Capitalist Gifts

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"Harrharrharr! I love cheap girls who are willing to show me their juicy tax loopholes!!"

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

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"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."