Customer Service Master Gifts

'I think they want to close up...'

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

'Well, I'm not very satisfied with our customers, either.'

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"And for my next trick, I will confuse general politeness for chemistry."

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

'How would you like your toast?'

'It feels warm enough to me.'

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

"Great idea of yours to offer their money back if not satisfied."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

"Well so much for our policy of putting the customer second!"

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

"Ah, the waiter ... And I was beginning to wonder if we really existed!"

Run in the Family

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

Rapunzel's short-lived career in the restaurant business.

"Ah — excellent catsup."

'I don't want to talk to any flunkies. Put me straight through to the computer.'

"Why have you doubled the price of oatmeal?"

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

"More croutons, sir?"

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"Fresh-raked leaves?"

"You can't say that to a customer!"