Customer Of Comedy Gifts

"Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in - unless they've moved to a one-bedroom condo in Boca Raton."

'It's one of our new technology rings, it allows you to download karats.'

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

'I'll take the one on the right.'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

Bunny Pranks

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"More?"

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

Waiter, what's this photograph of Jeff Goldblum doing in my soup? He starred in the remake of "The Fly." Personally, I prefer Al (David) Hedison in the original.

"All the Biden jobs went to illegal ALIENS."

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

"... Wine list? No, we don't have a wine list! Perhaps I can get sir something from the vending machine?"

Where Are They Now?

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

Alan Davies.

"I'll get that. First go get me a glass of warm water."

"Where can I find your organic, locally raised children?"

Aristophanes

You're on, caller. What's your problem? How do I get rid of a tenant so I can charge more rent? I get that question all the time. First, find out if your property is rent-controlled. If it is, go back in time to the moment you decided to rent it out and slap yourself. You have no business being a landlord, you greedy #%$*! What kind of music did the army use to get Noriega to leave Panama?

'They're a nuisance, but they keep the smaller vermin down.'

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

"What makes you think you can patronize me?"

'For kicking our salesman down the stairs, we take 10 euros extra charge, sir!'

'What's wrong with me today? I actually served a customer...'

Noel Fielding

My name's Troy, and I'll be your serve tonight. My name's Fred and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon. I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason.

Lap Line-Dancing Club

Custard Pies - Serving Suggestion

"Officer, wrong number."

"Would you like an ice bucket with your Champagne?"

ABC Airplane Food Manufacturing Co: Supplying Lame Jokes To Comedians for 35 Years.

"Well, I have arranged the pick-up of your shipment, sir. Do you already want to raise the complaint about the miscarriage, sir?"

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